At this point marching band season was in full bloom. This years show concept was Be-You-tiful, a story in which being yourself and not worrying about what others view of you, was the main point. Ironic right? Anyways, I was in the colorguard. And this year our uniforms were white spandex bodysuits. As you can imagine I wasn't very comfortable on the field in my uniform at first, to be honest I hated it. Eventually though I became more comfortable and told myself that no one was paying attention to me anyways. I was wrong. One Saturday at a competition after our first performance our instructors came back to us with the colorguard judge's tape just like every other competition. This time was different though, this time we weren't allowed to listen to the tape. We all instantly knew that something was up, and began to ask questions. They preceded to tell us that she had singled people out for looking a certain way, I instantly knew who was being referred to. Me. How could someone who didn't even know me judge me so harshly that I wasn't allowed to listen to it? This one event sent me spiraling back down into my act of desperation.
One day I was driving and my radio was on KLOVE(as it always is) and the song Beautiful by Mercy Me started to play. As I listened to the words I couldn't help but think about myself and what I was putting myself through. I broke down crying. I don't remember where I was going, but I'm almost 100% sure that I didn't make it there. So many thoughts were going through my head. I was ashamed of what I was doing. I realized that not only was I was disgracing myself and my body but I was also shaming my Creator, my God. And it had to stop. Still not wanting to admit my fault to friends and family I went to the one thing I could always rely on(and should rely on more)-my Bible. I found so many verses on beauty and how my God, our God, looks at the heart. He doesn't look at outward appearance like man does. The first verse I came to was Psalms 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well". This verse has become my favorite. I probably over use it, but it's only because I love it. This verse and others such as, Genesis 1:27 "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them", were the verses that made me come to the best realization I will ever make in my life. I'm beautiful. Not necessarily on the outside. But I'm beautiful because God created me in His image. And ALL of his works are wonderfully made. As long as I live my life for Him and have Him in my heart, He thinks I'm beautiful and thats all that matters. His love for me is bigger than I can even imagine. And I'm proud to say I'm BIG-Beautiful in God!
After this day I still didn't tell anyone. As much as I wanted to be able to express all of it to my parents and my best friends who I had told everything to for years, I couldn't. I was still ashamed and embarrassed. One Thursday night our FCA(Fellowship of Christian Athletes/Anybodys) was having our last practice before putting on a program at my home church that Sunday. A group of girls got up and started doing an interp to Beautiful by Mercy Me. All at once I had the sudden urge to tell my story and share what this song meant to me, and its impact it had on me. But I refused. Telling myself that there was no room for me in the program because there were already two people giving a devotion. So I sat with this 'weight' on my shoulders until the end of the practice when we were talking one more time about everything going on. We were almost done when one of our advisors said that they needed someone to give a devotion or testimony because one of the former people couldn't make it. Automatically my hand went up and the words "I'll do it" came out of my mouth. Not even realizing what I had done, my name went on the list. This is not what I planned or even wanted for that matter. How was I suppose to stand up infront of my peers, my own church family, my pastor, my best friend, and my parents and tell them what I had done to myself, something NONE of them knew. But I knew that it was something I had to do in order to lift the 'weight' off my shoulders. So Sunday came and I had prepared what I wanted to share. But as it came closer to time I realized that it wasn't what it was suppose to be. So while sitting in a my childhood Sunday School classroom I tore it up and prayed that God would give me the right words to say. I also decided to give my parents a small heads up by texting them and telling them they will learn something new about me tonight(I know I'm so thoughtful). Anyways, halfway through the program it was my turn, I was nervous but calm at the same time. I got up there and shared the very same time I shared with you at the beginning of this post. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I can not explain the way I felt afterwards. I knew I had done the right thing even if some people disagreed. But they didn't (not that I know of, of course) everyone was so supportive and nice. This was a reminder of how blessed I truly am for the people in my life.
Since that Sunday I have had the opportunity to share my testimony at other church youth groups, and my entire school. These are things I NEVER would have done. But I love it. I love doing God's will and sharing his word. It's what I'm suppose to do as a Christian. Now I've started this blog as another outlet. I can't what to see what else my amazing God has planned out for me in my future.
Sorry this is so long. Sometimes I can rant. :)
I also thought I would post the video of Beautiful by Mercy Me that the girls used in their interp.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well"
Psalm 139:14
